Call The Midwife

I don’t know how many  of my followers in  the USA are aware of it,  but a very popular Sunday night TV series here in the UK is Call The Midwife. It’s  a strange mixture of cosy Sunday night viewing mixed in with some quite hard hitting stuff about poverty and childbirth. The action is centred on a convent in The East End of London and the time period has recently moved from the nineteen fifties to the early sixties (La Dolca  Vita gets a mention, but The Beatles and the swinging sixties have yet to arrive.)

The regulars in this are a bunch of nuns along with a handful of young nurses/midwives who are all sweet natured and very wholesome. There’s a posh one with  blonde hair,  a posh one with red hair, and a posh one with brown hair,

and a recent arrival is a Welsh one with black  hair.

I can here your hearts racing already, Nuns and nurses all living together under the a same roof! Phwoarre! What possibilities do we have her for sexual goings on and general between the sheets naughtiness, but sorry to disappoint you, none of it taken up by the producers who should be ashamed for passing up such a chance. Let me go further, unless I’m very much mistaken and missed something in the story line, all these girls are still virgins. Yes honestly! It’s scandalous, and sometimes I have to avert my eyes if watching it with a close friend with sheer embarrassment.

Now it’s true that in a recent episode they allowed us to watch Trixy (The blonde posh one) putting on her stockings,

and  even treated us to a sneaky clip of all the girls in their underwear,

but that’s about a racy as it’s ever got. Admittedly they have given an edge to the story line by making the Welsh one and the posh red headed be lesbians having a relationship, but the most graphic it has ever been so far is a head on a shoulder.

So isn’t it time the BBC got a grip and stirred all this up a little? I know the  corporation’s initials don’t stand for Boobs Bums and Copulation, but it would be good they gave us a bit of naughty  on a Sunday night to finish off the weekend on a sexual high note.

So let’s start with the nuns. Now whatever nuns actually get up to hidden behind convent walls, we all know what we like to think they get up to, so we could  be given an eyeful of that just to set the tone. Under their all enveloping habits they could be are sheathed  in inflammatory under things and  regularly giving us flashes of lacy stocking top and killer heels.

No reason at all why we still shouldn’t see them going down on their  knees and praying  for celestial joy and satisfaction, but that satisfaction could manifest itself in lots of different, and photogenic, ways we’d all like to see on our screens.

And let’s not forget that they’ve taken a vow of obedience, so any naughty nun or other initiate under their control would have to accept   that regular chastisement is part of their daily life,

though of course love, forgiveness and comfort would  inevitably follow.

And now for those pretty young nurses. What could we have them  getting  up to? Let’s be honest, there are a lot of people out there (they are called men) who harbour ideas that nurses are like extras in a  Carry On film, and little more than short skirted eye candy whose job is to get themselves into situations where  much of their uniform goes astray along with their dignity.

Sexist and biased, absolutely? But speaking as a girl who quite enjoys the idea of  pretty nurses  loosing their clothing and their dignity I’m prepared to bet  it would make great  TV. So where should we start? Maybe we should have a few early morning scenes with the girls waking up to the previous night’s lover,

before putting on their smart new uniforms.

We could have a strict matron character who keeps the girls in order when they make small mistakes, correcting things as they happen on the ward,

 and reinforcing the lesson back at the nursing home. (The date may have move on but the atmosphere is still very much nineteen fifties!)

With all these pretty young girls floating round the place, we definitely need a few lusty young doctors to mingle with them, sometimes pointing out when they have made a misdiagnosis,

and sometimes pondering on how they dealt with it when they have their shower later in the evening.

And let’s not forget the gay couple who so far have not even had as much as a kiss on screen. We could see a lot more of them as they exchange views on the trials of the day.

Purely for dramatic realism of course.

And something we’ve not even considered, what about a little intermingling between the nuns and the nurses, maybe Mother Superior finding one of them reading something inappropriate and dealing with it in a time honoured and traditional way.

That would be good. In fact, the more I think about it the more missed opportunities for some seriously good Sunday night TV I can see. 

Of course, purists and its current fan base might well object  to its being messed around with  in this way, so what we need is a companion series to run alongside it, maybe call it Carry On Midwife or something like that.

And if the BBC would offer me an appropriate stipend I would be more than happy to write the script!