Ivory Tower

                Who would you like to spank?

Apropos of nothing at all, quite recently  my ever fecund mind started to work on the question of which of the women  who grace our newspapers and screens on a regular basis  is in most need of being given a good old fashioned spanking (for their own good of course!) Who is it we would most like to divest of both panties and dignity and have as a squealing prisoner across our knee for a few precious moments while we chastised their upturned bare bottom?

The chances are that by some extraordinary coincidence all the  people on your list would not merely be at least borderline irritating but decidedly  cute as well. We girls have long known that Anastasia would never  have found herself across Christian Grey’s knee with her perfumed panties pulled down  if she looked like Cyril Smith in drag. Men are strangely uninterested  in what’s for our own good If it doesn’t give them a big fat stiffy, but let me not get sidetracked

          

So who would I put on my list? What about Miley Cyrus as a starter? A sugar sweet teen idol as Hannah Montana who overnight metamorphosised into a tongue twerking slut figure the broadsheets  could enjoy tutting about while showing endless pics of her in ever more revealing outfits. On behalf of the nation I would happily give her a lengthy dose of good old fashioned discipline. 

  

And then we can move on to Carey Mulligan, overwhelmingly cute yet both distinctly sexual and also just the slightest bit irritating. Spanking her pretty little bottom would be a pleasure for whoever got to do it.

Next a personal vendetta. Does anyone out there remember Pippa Middleton? She was famous because she was related to someone who married someone who was related to the Queen. She also had a very nice arse. As it happens I also have a very nice arse thank you very much, but the big difference is that her arse earned her a forty thousand pound advance for a book about gracious  entertaining whereas my publishers have to actually sell copies of my books before I earn a penny from them. Oh Pippa, what a spanking I would love to give you! 

And than of course there’s  that disturbing little minx Christina Ricci who first appeared as a child actress in the Addams Family but who has since gone on to more grown up roles which sometime call for significant economy in the clothing department. 

Imagine that quietly sullen face of hers twisted in sneery distain as you pulled her over your knee. “All right, spank me then! See if I care.”

But of course we’ll never know!

And completely from left field, Camilla Long, the disturbingly sexy but oh so posh journalist from the Sunday Times and scorching interviewer of dodgy celebs. Looks and sounds like a head girl, but clearly a woman steaming and throbbing in the knicker department. (See my recent post on the sexuality of quiet looking  girls!) You’ve only got to read her turbo charged prose in her columns to see where I’m coming from, verbal Viagra pouring from her pen and soaking  the pages for our delectation. She would clearly benefit from ten minutes across the knee, but like so many posh girls would secretly love it!

And I can’t resist this one, Emma Watson, AKA Hermione Granger, the little swot in Harry Potter who has grown up before our eyes from cute little muggle to a fashion icon. Sorry Emma, much as I admire so much about you, your quiet  understated sexuality and careful avoidance of the celeb circuit, as a special treat for Ron and Harry a quiet but thorough  spanking is what you’ve earned from being just that bit too self consciously clever.

And, let’s go back into the past, to an icon of purring sexuality like no other before or since. The young Brigitte Bardot, the original sex kitten who slithered onto the big screen in “And God Created Woman” in 1956 and who has had no equal since. A girl who was born to be spanked so it’s long over due. Such a shame that  sex goddesses have to grow up!

But if I were limited to just one, it would have to be that spitting snarling Spanish hell cat, the unutterably delectable Penelope Cruz, if for no other reason that simply no one is entitled to be that beautiful. A long lingering bare bottomed spanking on behalf of the entire sisterhood is the least she deserves for that, and what a joy it would be to give it to her. 

And lastly, and I can’t resist this one, Miranda!

No, not that one, this one!

          Oh how we all love this wonderful national treasure, and that includes me in a big way. The thing is, I’m sure she’s wicked enough to enjoy having her bottom smacked which is reason enough on it’s own, but with this Amazonian  I might need some help. After all, I am only five foot four!

            (Any feed back and your own suggestions more than welcome!)